The Dream
I do not remember it all however I do remember when I became aware of the dream. And it was incredibly lucid. We were surrounded in the darkness of Nrolav. Father had his fingers curled tightly around my neck. I could not scream, could not cry, could not struggle. He spoke to me in a voice that sounded wet and mechanical. He stared deep into my eyes with his own lifeless eyes. One pure black and one missing; in the empty socket I saw tiny worm-like creatures squirming around. They screeched at me in their tiny blended voices - mocked me with Fathers own painful taunts. I wanted to cover my ears but I just couldn't. I wanted to gouge out his good eye, but I could not. I was too afraid...frozen in place...

Father moved his face close to my ear and I could smell and feel his stinking breath as if it was really happening. It felt like death danced over my skin, crawling across me as it seeped into my pores, dirtying my body, my heart, my mind, my soul. His tongue, split up the middle like a serpents tongue lolled evilly at me. I held my breath and felt myself shaking; not only in the dream but as I slept. I was terrified. He told me that I was still his darling daughter, his sweetest as he ran long fingernails along my jawline, under my chin and down my neck. He told me I was forever joined with Myoakka and that I would see him again soon. I was for no one else, and I never would be. He told me no one would want me so ruined, ugly and broken and that what I had now with the Wolf was not real, leaf and shadow was not real. just like any love before was not real and that this too would not last. He told me that I would see them both. So very soon. All I had to do was let go.

Then he laughed as he gripped my neck harder, squeezing with all the might inside his sinister body. I could not breath and I could not fight, my eyes leaked blood and tears. I was dying in my own dream from his unworldly strength, a strength so much stronger then I could ever remember. But he looks so different in this dream. I sank to my knees, his hands still gripped around my throat. As he held me up, half conscious by my neck he watched me with that one eye and a terrible malevolent grin. Then I heard Myoakkas voice echoing inside of my ears, beckoning me to let go and to return to him. I felt his cold hand take mine...

...and then there was the bittersweet howling of the Wolf...

The Wolf told me about the dream. It’s never easy when these moments happen, for whatever reason be it a memory or dream - some trigger where I am flashed back into the past. There is always a part of me that is taken right back to that awful place during those moments. Like it’s happening in real time, I see everything, feel everything all over again in a quick surge of emotion. And each time this happens I am afraid that little piece of me stays stuck there, trapped in time and forgotten. I feel something missing, taken, from deep inside.

And I wonder, after all these years of it, how much more of me is left before all of me is back there with them, and I no longer exist in my present... where I have become the memory.

I want to stay in the world of leaf and shadow.

Crushed…trampled in a raid by demons. I worried it would happen, and now that it has, I feel terrible guilt. My heart ached to see her in such a decrepit state. Lucius and I began working on something to help support and maybe protect her as she is being nursed back to health. Bo, Lucy, Lilith, and Tara helped us as well. We set three stakes around her and tied them to help her grow in the right position and help mend her broken areas and we hope it keep demons away.

Aryana sings to her. Lilith, Kassa and Matt visit her. Others as well. Tasha says she awkwardly pets her when she passes by. I admit I cringed a bit inside when she told me that, worried she might damage Ni more as she now is delicate, but she means well. And the Wolf is always so patient when we pass her by. He tells me to take as much time as I need, even when I know he wants to train. Bless him. Bless them all.

I visit her daily and tend to her and talk to her. I only hope it will be enough. She is a tough shrub. Resilient. And with so much love I know Ni will flourish once again. She just has to.

There was another attack on the Landing. I woke groggily and had barely asked what was happening when I found myself, at first confused but then very grateful, at the Landing. Lucius and a few others were there. I charged right in and that's when I saw it again. The Demon Forgemaster. It makes my heart stop briefly and stomach lurch every time I see it. I feel instantly light headed and then angry. I am not one to feel hate. I have only truly hated my Father and his associate - but I feel hate towards the dark tendrils and clouds but even more, I feel hate for the Demon that takes on the appearance of the Forgemaster for violating him in that way. And it truly unsettles me. How dare those demon scum. We beat it. To death. That helped.

And we eventually cleared the entire attack. But before we left, I went to the stables to see the horses. I love horses, the look of horses, the feel of horses, and the smell of horses. They had appeared to have been recently fed, watered and cared for and they seemed in acceptable enough condition. This made me smile. I only wish they were not stuck down in the Landing. I could see in their eyes how they long to be wild and free.

*a wilted flower is affixed to this page*


Dark days leave us feeling like wilted flowers,
thirsting for the rain of summer showers.

Swaying tiredly under the setting sun,
one day over and a new day begun.

Battle scars decorate the fragile petals,
fighting for their lives - they will not settle.

Rays of the glinting moonlight they devour,
renewing their will, their strength and power.

Dawn breaks and taller they begin to stand,
new blooms open fragrant as they expand.

Side by side each beautiful and unique,
with soft and vibrant colorful cheeks.

There is a sublime and abstract beauty in darkness. And though it has always found me it is not the path that I wish to seek out, or to stumble upon, or have I ever. It is dangerous and devestating. There are so many paths, hidden all around us -- some right out in the open that lead us to happiness and enlightenment. Lead us to love and to freedom. Some just require great hurdles and battle scars to get through -- deep periods of darkness and pain to emerge through to the light. For me, all those years with my father was a tormenting test of time that required a great inner-strength I did not possess to survive. But in fact was a strength I have always possessed, but have not always realized. Without Tam I may never have realized. And he is dead because of it.

I find at times it is much harder for me to be happy than it is to be melancholy. At times in my life since escaping to Valorn I had just about given up and wandered to the voices, to let them inside and to let them finish what they had started. To give them the control they always had over me. Heck, was easier then fighting and fighting and fighting. But something has always driven me not to give up -- to keep fighting and to not stop; which is part of why I never stop until my body forces me -- be it those excruciating headaches, nosebleeds or just falling to the ground and fading into black. These things do not occur because I am weak -- but because I am strong and perhaps too stubborn. I always figured it was the sheer stubbornness that kept me rising back to my feet. I did not know, until we became so close, that it is because of the wolf that I fight so hard to keep on living. Even before, it has always been for love. For Tam, my Mothers, for Fen, for Pallas and for my brethren here. Were they enough? These days I live my life more freely, or as freely as possible because I am still haunted by the past. And I mostly accept that I always will be. I think that sometimes we have to be completely ripped of all; stripped down to nothing before we can begin to rebuild ourselves, and for myself and for him, I will do that as best as I can and for as long as it takes. For us I will do anything or I will die trying.

I do not regret the way things were before because of where they took me but I hate it all and it has left me, for lack of a better word, jaded. I know that you can not find the light if you never leave the darkness. I wanted to leave -- I tried so many times to leave but I was always tossed back in. Not only with my Father but being unable to leave him has stuck with me and affected me in situations since I found a place in Valorn. I feel as if the darkness followed me and I think in the back of my mind I fear that what used to happen will happen again. And sometimes in a weak, drained, spent moment, I let that fear take hold. And in this time of darkness the fear is stronger. I squash it down for the sake of those around me but it keeps me awake, it is always on my mind.

As I said there can be no shadows in the darkness without there being a source of light somewhere within reach and that should be hope enough to hang on. It has to be. All the nights I cried in terror, despair, pain and fear; it was those shadows dancing on the walls of the room where I lay crying, that kept me alive. It meant that the light was somewhere waiting for me and that always gave me just enough hope to sustain. So should I remember this now, in these dark times, and let it sustain me still. And although I had to exist in that darkness for longer then any innocent soul should have to bear to reach the light and find the strength within myself, I am glad I did for all I have now is worth everything. My friends, my kin, love. I know without a doubt that I would live it a thousand times over again because I know that love waits for me.

[COLOR=red]Declaration of Love[/COLOR]

When we are loved it is a feeling that is felt intuitively deep within through the actions of another. The proof is not just within words alone but in our very actions. It is within the eyes which window our souls, it is within loving words, a loving smile, a tender touch, a selfless action. Feelings based on words alone can be deceiving, but actions cannot be mistaken. And when we are treated with such love, the heart will undeniably know it.

Love is an indefinable emotion because it is so many things; and not so many things. Love is giving. Love is goodness. It is beautiful and it is unconditional. Love is pure and natural. It is a deep and special friendship. Love accepts flaws. It is supportive. It is the light in the darkness. Love does not perish but enhances with each passing turn. It is ever-growing, everlasting and infinite. Love is the safety and comfort you feel when wrapped in each others arms. It is absolute trust. Love is forgiveness. It is empathy. It is compromise. Love is gentle and patient. Love is laughter. It is devotion and it is respectful. Love is adoration. Love is peaceful and love is kind. Love is passion. It is intense. Love is saying ‘I need you because I love you’ not ‘I love you because I need you.’

Love is not manipulative nor is it angry. It is not insulting. It is not destructive. Love does not intentionally hurt. It does not abuse. Love is not bound. It is never one-sided. Love is not demanding. It is not oppressive. Love is not envious. Love is the unicorn in the forest green and it is the wolf spirit who protects the forest. Love is worth fighting for. Love is worth risking all for. Love is worth dying for. If you do not take risks for love, you risk losing even more.

love was spontaneously declared to the other; right on the spot the hat was returned. Both of us disheveled and covered in soot under the color of red- and then sealed with the best of her wishes. And although I wear green-[COLOR=red] adoration and respect for the red [/COLOR]is forever held deep within my heart.


Always, only you.

Long ago as a young girl I promised Tam something. That for every star I saw flashing across the night sky spiraling its way downward, I would think of the beautiful horned-horses from our beloved fable book, and how as those stars landed they became the creatures that live within the waves of the sea.

I promise this, still. I look for them still.

But now these stars and these creatures carry with them an extra special sentiment.

So this happened.

I went to the beach and disassembled the old bracelet I had been gifted so very long ago. Not in malice or anger or any bad feelings, but for release, for letting go. Link by link I threw each piece into the sea. And with each link a memory hit my heart. Many good, some not so good - but NONE will be forgotten. I felt a slight twinge at my action, and I kept a link of the ring and lockpick, tucked away safely in my pouch out of love, a deep love I still felt for the rogue. I thought I found some closure and made my peace with that part of my life, but I am not so sure. Maybe someday, when those two ships at sea pass each other in the darkness of night it will be comfortably - as allies and as friends. Who knows what will happen with time.

I sat by the lighthouse and reflected on my dream from earlier, for I saw the mystery kitty again as I slept. He was young, handsome, vibrant and at peace. It was not my long lost Fen from Brighttree, but I feel like I know this beautiful creature. In fact I am positive in my heart that we have met somewhere, sometime, in some life and another realm before - and that we meant something to each other. Why else would I wake with an ache in my heart and tear on my cheek? Today, I thank the gods for the gift of dreams. Even when so many are bad and filled with darkness, this is the kind if dream that makes all those bad ones worth while.

Mysteries create wonder and within that wonder is the desire to know what we may never know. Tender and loving thoughts to my mystery kitty. He is more then welcome to puuuurrr his way through my dreams as often as he would like.